2019 Wasn’t What I Expected

I had so many ideas for 2019.

I wanted to read loads of classics, I wanted to fill my time with reading. I wanted to finish my book, edit it, query it, get an agent. I wanted to travel to places, meet author friends, explore more corners of the country.

Most of that didn’t happen, and that’s okay.

I didn’t waste the year. I learned many new things. I read books that thrilled me, and made me imrpove as a writer. I worked hard on getting the 70k words I wrote, I got a health diagnosis to hopefully make 2020 even better. Towards the end of the year, I grieved a loss.

But most of all, I grew.

2019 shaped my view of what I want 2020 to be, and what I can do when I put my mind to it. It shouldn’t matter how many books I read, only that I’ve read books. It shouldn’t matter that I haven’t travelled the entire world, only that I’ve made time to learn about it and maybe, even, discover things closer to home. It shouldn’t matter that I didn’t suddenly explode into publishing, only that I kept writing even when my heart was broken.

I’m a big dreamer, and I dream big. So if I falter at hurdles when nearing those dreams, I berate myself. “I didn’t get such and such because I wasn’t realistic enough.” What the hell IS realistic? There are billionaires with 500 or more houses, THAT’S not realistic. And “If only…” is the worst beginning to a sentence. As people give power to words said aloud, there’s also power in the unspoken words you think to yourself, too.

“If only I was taller.” “If only I’d been able to finish that draft by March.” “If only I was able to go there.”

Well you’re not, and you aren’t, and you didn’t, so what is this helping?

It’s a big lesson for me to actually brush that “if only” aside and focus on what I *am* and what I *did* do, or what I *can*. Everything else doesn’t matter. It’s the belief within myself, the intention I put behind actions, and not beating myself up that I only read 40 books instead of 45.

It’s almost important to let go of things – and people – that don’t align with my highest good. If I feel anxious around friends when I should feel at ease, if I feel uncomfortable doing something other people seemingly have no problem with, that’s a sign to reassess and sometimes even walk away. 2019 taught me to listen to my gut instincts, and trust that I have the power to bring in better things that raise me up rather than bum me out.

Similarly, this post didn’t go the way I figured it would go — I think this is possibly my first journaling attempt by the sounds of it XD — but I’m thankful for the lessons I learned this year and hope to put them into practice in 2020.

Saying it now, 2020: Clear vision, clear heart, and a lot of hope.